I shot this photo of a wild mustang stallion in 2025 in western Utah. He is a part of the Onaqui herd. It was a challenge just walking out to where he was, while carrying my gear. My best memory is that I only fell once. (He also had the audacity to bluff charge me and cause my heart to jump! ) When I finally got home I was exhausted even though I had done very little from a physical standpoint. (Fatigue has been a very significant part of my disease.) But I was mentally thrilled when I finally saw this shot. It was a small success for me, but it was mine! I had actually accomplished something. It gave me hope. Even if we have physical and mental limitations, we must continue to try, and as we do, we might just find beauty waiting for us in many different forms. We might literally fall down, but what’s the alternative, stay at home half asleep waiting to die? I have chosen to live and I am trying, day by day, to find the beauty on this earth and my purpose in it. (I am not always successful in doing so.) Helen Keller said “Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.” You too can do something that requires you to keep going, keep trying to live, even with the extra risks that you may now have in front of you.
I mentioned earlier that my disease has caused me to take medication for my mental health. I know many people, especially older ones, who hate the idea of taking medicine for mental health issues, even though many of those same folks would quickly take medication for “physical” ailments. For any of you who don’t want to take medication, for whatever reason, I believe you are doing a serious disservice to yourself, your partner, spouses, children, etc. I used to be of that same mindset. That is, I thought I had no need to take meds for my mental health. I certainly had no desire to do so. I now believe, after getting Alzheimer’s, that it, as well as other dementias, are “physical” chemical diseases. It is my understanding that the dying brain messes with neuro-chemicals in the brain, hormones, etc., that then affect one’s mental and emotional state. With competent providers, the correct medicines will bless your life during this difficult journey and help you through the emotional part. They will also make you a bit easier to live with. They have certainly done so for me. I will be forever grateful.
While my experience with Alzheimers will be different than yours, it also has many of the same challenges. I recall one trip where I drove to Yellowstone National Park. I was alone. (Which frustrates the heck out of my wife.) I was following a wolf I had seen across a river and I was trying to get a photo. I was carrying a large lens camera on a monopod and I was getting tired. This was in early November 2022. My temporospatial abilities, that is, my ability to judge distances and where I was in that space, were getting worse. I went to sit on a large dead tree to rest. I missed the tree and fell backwards onto a very rocky river bed holding my camera above my head as best I could. (I assume the wolf I was trying to find was nearby laughing as he watched my circus act unfold.) I went to the medical clinic in the park, and they decided to take x-rays. No broken bones but my back was already bruising.
The photo to the left is of the dead tree I tried to sit on and missed. Along with the rocks upon which I landed. This was in November 2022.
It was this same trip on the drive home, that I drove 100 miles in a particular direction before I knew I was going the wrong way in the middle of nowhere. I had to turn around and go back the same way I came so I could start over again.
Even in my own town, where I have lived for 28 years, I have occasionally been unable to determine where I was. While each episode only lasted 10 to 30 seconds, I assume these episodes will get more frequent and last longer. On occasion I have even been unable to identify what something was even though it was something I had used for years, such as a car radio, etc.